Judge Payne

November 10, 2006 by Jason.

I am a judge at this year’s HVA talent show.

I went in the gym tonight to look at the setup and saw the judging table front and center. From what I’ve seen on TV and in movies, judging is serious business. I’ve thought of a couple styles I can reach for:

Old-tyme Judge - This style requires a wig with some sort of curlers embedded inside and some sort of sheet/robe combo thing. Plus a tiny croquet mallet. I guess I can pound the table if things start to get out of hand and yell “Order! Order in the court!” I will also need to procure a baliff, and that might be hard at short notice. The best part about this style is that particularly bad acts can be sentenced to medieval type punishments. “How dare you sing LeAnn Rimes! Break them upon a wheel!”

Judge Dredd - This style requires an awesome futuristic helmet. I like how the visor will shade my eyes from the glare of the spotlight. Unlike the old-tyme judge, I can be judge AND executioner. If any of the acts displease me, I can shout “I am the law!” or “I’ll be the judge of that!“. I can also shoot at people with my futuristic firearms, which while boring, gets the job done.

Judge Simon - This style requires a black t-shirt. I like how everything that is performed for me will be sub-standard and completely lacking in talent. If any of the other judges disagree with me, I will make disparaging comments about their intelligence and discernment. This style doesn’t have any cool weapons except for a sharp wit.

Sleepy Judge - This style requires Ambien. Only the best acts will wake me from my slumber, and they will be richly rewarded by my heavy-lidded attention. This style is probably the safest for the performers on-stage, but is pretty boring for the judge.

Well, that about wraps it up. I’m looking forward to some decent entertainment tomorrow night.

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